Recently I finished listening to Sheryl Sandberg's Lean In on audiobook after the suggestion of a dear friend. It is a feminist book encouraging women to be successful in their careers and lives. For the most part, I found myself thinking "YES! This is what I've always thought but never had the forum to say it!" A woman, performing the equivalent work as a man, is compensated with less. Women are always the person in a relationship to forfeit careers, dreams and goals for her family. Women love to compete with and tear other women down. By highlighting these things with research and anecdotes, she is able to say the things that my friends roll their eyes at when I say them.
Sexism is alive and rampant and I want to suggest that it's probably our own (women's) damn fault at this point. In reflection of my life, it's always been the men in my life--friend, supervisors, boyfriends--that have recognized my potential and either encouraged me or paved some of the way for me to be successful. Then I consider the women influences in my life and it's a fuzzy, grey abstract with only a few distant examples from my military career. In fact, it was only women (not all of them, but some of them) who told me to "get real" or other comments to instill doubt. Only with starting my Master's degree have I finally met strong, intellectual and ambitious women that I can learn from and consider my mentors. (These include the FNP I work with, my preceptors, instructors and fellow students.) I agree with Sandberg that it is for women to start lifting up other women. She was vague in her book on how to do this, but I have a little checklist I would like to propose:
1) Don't be the one to instill doubt.
If a friend tells you she wants to aspire to a successful career, please don't "look out for her" by asking questions such as "What about your husband? Who will take care of the baby?" or comments such as "Make sure you take time for yourself" or "Just remember the important things." These sorts of comments make a person second guess themselves, make them question if they can really have it all.
Let's be honest, these sorts of things would never be said to a man. While said with good intentions, they are not helpful.
Instead:
2) Be encouraging
How? Provide feedback such as "You will be amazing! I think you'd make a great executive!" or "That sounds challenging, but if anyone can do it, you can." Of course be sincere. If nothing encouraging comes to mind, you can say something like "That's a good goal. Good luck!" And like they said in Bambi "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all."
3) Remember other women are not your competition. The only person to compete against is yourself or the person vying for the same position as you, female or male.
Anyway, there were a few things that I didn't appreciate in Sandberg's book. She says that we still can't act like men even in traditionally male roles. Where a man can simply list off his accomplishments as proof of his value, a woman is perceived as bragging and being self-centered. Instead, Sandberg encourages women to continue to be "communal" to get what we want--identify a need that you can fill, explain how it can be fixed and what you intend to do to "help." Gag me. It's frustrating because she has a point. When I served as a sergeant I could lead the same ways as a man but I was called a "bitch" where my male counterparts were just taking care of business. It's not that I want to act or be manly, but I just want to be matter-of-fact instead of dancing around the circle. Instead of insisting that women still have to act different, I wish that Sandberg offered a way to change the perception--a way of coming to full androgyny in the professional realm.
There were some naysayers to Sandberg's book--mostly stay-at-home moms, single-moms, those coming from poverty, and racial minorities. As a single-mom who hated "staying at home" and has pushed her way through poverty while attending grad school alongside quite a few racial minorities, I return the NAY to these naysayers. Sandberg acknowledges her privileges and she was still able to reach me. She never belittled those who choose a different perspective or life path. Just because one doesn't agree with her doesn't make her wrong.
All-in-all, a great read for everyone, especially for women that are struggling to make it in A Man's World.
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